"Home for Christmas"

Hi all! Well I was very hesitant to post some details about the trial our family has recently encountered however the Lord has blessed us abundantly and I thought I could share His blessings with you all. Many of you who view my blog have already been informed about what I'm about to write however, I am not sure where I left off with informing you of what is going on so I will get you updated here.

Background-
On Dec. 7 I was having severe menstrual like cramping but it was excruciating pain on my right side and I started to bleed as well. I went to the urgent care facility down the street from my house and initially the doctor thought it was appendicitis. After running some test he found that I was pregnant, bleeding and in severe pain and off to the emergency room we went. My pain finally was under control and then came the ultrasound. No baby could be found so they ran some blood tests that came back positive for pregnancy. We were not trying to get pregnant and this was very surprising to us however we welcome the Lord's gift of children to us anytime. The doctor's were not sure if I was having a miscarriage, and ectopic pregnancy or a healthy pregnancy with some bleeding so they told be to come back in 48 hours to test my hormone levels again. If they were increasing that meant the pregnancy would still be progressing, if not then I miscarried my baby.

Over the next 48 hours it was very difficult. At first I thought it was ectopic and I was afraid to go to sleep that night but then the pain subsided. Next I thought well I must be having a healthy pregnancy with some bleeding but everything is fine. Then after taking a look back at some things my body had been doing over the last several weeks and then seeing all of these things coming to a stop during these 48 hours, I was certain I miscarried. I finally went back to the hospital for my test and the doctor told me that my hormone levels had all dropped which meant I had a miscarriage. I cried and he tried to console me as I was by myself. I drove home from the hospital and told Darrin our sad news. That was on Sunday and it is now Thursday.

The Lord has been very gracious to us throughout this whole process starting with the fact that we were not trying to get pregnant and we did not know I was pregnant. That made it a little easier to go through. Having said that, it still has been very difficult. Why? Well because our baby had a heartbeat by 2 weeks gestation and I was 6-8 weeks pregnant. A beating heart means you are alive and a heart that stops beating means you are dead . Our child was very small but our baby was alive even though we didn't even know it.

Psalm 139: 13-16 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.

From before I knew I miscarried, I always thought of this baby as a girl. Our Lord made her and we are so thankful to Him for her. She was a living human being so we decided she deserved a name...Abigail. One of the hardest parts of this situation has been that I didn't have anything in remembrance of her; no ultrasound picture, no blanket, nothing. We weren't able to hold her like we held Kaylee and Benny. At times, when I get very emotional and cry, I find myself wanting to hold her or something that represents her. Kaylee informed me that baby Abigail is being held by Jesus in heaven. So sweet, the mind of a 3 year old. It is at those times that I hold my two living children close to my heart. I squeeze them and cry. Kaylee tries to verbally comfort me while Benny cuddles with me. Even though I didn't know she was there, I still miss her and love her very much. I wonder what she is doing in heaven, what will it be like when I meet her in heaven, what does she look like, etc. I titled this blog "Home for Christmas" because our baby is truly "Home for Christmas." How awesome is that! On her very first Christmas, she gets to meet Jesus and celebrate his birth right in front of and with Him!

Recently I was so encouraged by the fact that our Lord reigns! He really does reign and is in complete control. Psalm 97:1 says "The Lord reigns, let the earth rejoice." We are totally rejoicing in that.

In journaling I find myself writing little letters to baby Abigail. I wanted to say some things to her but I don't know when I'll get to say them so I wrote them down. Most of what I say is I love you and miss you. At the end of one of my journal entries, I was writing her name, Abigail. I enjoy just writing her name but it wasn't complete. I told her that I wanted to give her something of mine... my name for her middle name, Abigail Monique Smith! Darrin says if she really isn't a she we can call him Abe! :)

Some versus that have comforted me are as follows...

Psalm 94:19 When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

Psalm 94:22 The Lord has become my stronghold and my God the rock of my refuge.

Today a friend of mine called when I was having a difficult, emotional time and I told her that I was sad because I didn't have anything of Abigail's to hold. Later she brought me a gift. It was a beautiful pink blanket with hearts embroidered on it. Abigail will forever be in our hearts. My friend also gave me a card with these lyrics written in it...

We miss you everyday

Miss you in every way

But we know there's a day

When we will hold you

And you'll kiss our tears away

When we're home to stay

We can't wait for the day

When we will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you

'Til Mom and Dad can hold you

You'll just have heaven

Before we do...

I didn't expect this to be so difficult but the Lord is our refuge! Thanks for your continued prayer.

"You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name!"